How do you deal with loving someone who doesn’t
love you back? Why is it so hard to get over it and
come to grips with reality? What’s preventing us from
healing from such a deep wound, knowing the pain can
often be unbearable?
Love hurts. Love stinks. Love is blind. At some point in
life, we’ve all experienced the pain that poets and
songwriters have written about for ages. Usually, it’s
because we’ve loved someone who hasn’t loved us
back. Feeling so emotionally invested in something
we’re being told doesn’t even exist is often the most
excruciating pain, yet we endure it. Why?
Identify It
There are many degrees of one-sided love. If I were to
describe them all, we’d be here all day and you
wouldn’t actually get to the solution part of the article.
In the name of salvation, I’ll only discuss the three
MAIN ones instead.
Obsession from Afar:
You know this one. You’re head over heels for someone who doesn’t even know your name. Or perhaps you’re madly in love with a friend or acquaintance who is, for one reason or another, completely unattainable. I’d like to believe this only happens in movies but unfortunately our minds are powerful, powerful tools; if we want something bad enough, we don’t need much to go on in order to believe someone is within reach.
The Repeat Offender:
This one refers to relationships and is by far the most common and the most delusional. Not only do we hold
on to the hope that somehow the “love” will be
rekindled, but we’re willing to wait around forever
because we simply refuse to believe that such passion
could be so short lived. When you started dating, you
could have sworn up and down that no one had ever
experienced the type of connection the two of you had.
You ignore all signs that are telling you it’s over and,
despite the overwhelming pain and nights spent crying,
the smallest part of you holds on for dear life.
You’re Great, but I’m Not Interested:
This one is perhaps one of the most relatable: you
gather up the balls to express your undying devotion—
or mere attraction—to this person only to get rejected
with the standard, “Oh you’re sweet…, but you’re not
really my type.” Or the worse, “But we’re such good
friends, I couldn’t.” What sets you apart from the rest
of the world is that you don’t just walk away in defeat
and go for your next potential obsession; you wallow in
misery and refuse to accept rejection.
Why We Can’t Just Move On
Love is a clusterfuck of complexities. And like the
previous section, I can’t describe all the reasons we fall
into such a painful trap. Not only are there too many
to list—dependent on each individual case—but some
just cannot be explained with rationality. With that
being said, here are two reasons we deny escape:
1. Wishful Thinking
This is the devil. There are a few stages of denial: Your
friends could lay out a list of reasons why you need to
move on and you would remain there, glossy eyed and
oblivious. That’s the worst stage and it needs the
most intervention. The lesser and more common stage
is when you’re completely aware of every single reason
you need to stop loving the person, yet you simply
can’t and you don’t know why. I’ll tell you why. It’s
because deep inside, small and buried away, is the last
ray of wishful thinking. Like a cancer, it multiplies at
the sign of hope for survival. And really, no matter how
large or small, the potential damage is the same.
2. Our Ego
You’d never admit it, but deep inside you’re wondering,
“How can this person not see how much of a catch I
am?” You can’t help but wonder what he sees in his
new lover. This way of thinking is pretty harmless. In
fact, having an ego about the situation can usually
result in you realizing you’re too good to endure such
pain and rejection. However, it takes nothing more than
a little push and bam . You’re back into delusion land;
you once again believe you’re so great that your
doorbell is going to ring any second, and your
obsession will be down on one knee whispering, “I was
wrong… you are the one.”
Wake Up. Your life was not written to be a Tunde Kelani's or Yemi ky lover movie.
5 Steps: How to Stop Loving Someone
Who Doesn’t Love You
Take the following steps and adjust them to your
situation and level of attachment
Step 1: Realize It
Please refer to section one of the article and identify
your situation.
Step 2: Are You Armed?
If this person has hurt you in the past, you need to
utilize the pain as a weapon in this, dare I say, battle
of love. If you’re awake enough to utilize the pain of
rejection , do it. I know it seems a bit like self
mutilation, but just take my word for it. If you’ve got
nothing, reality is a lot harder to see and you get stuck
in the land of delusions thinking your ex is just trying
to make you jealous.
Step 3: Isolate Yourself
Stop all contact. It’ll be hard, especially when the
person knows you’ve got feelings for them. As much
as we’d like to believe otherwise, human beings are
selfish and greedy. Sometimes, they’ll do whatever it
takes to keep someone wrapped around their finger,
just in case. If you work together, cut the chit chat and
go back to polite small talk. Be ballsy and delete his
email address, cell phone number, and unfriend who
you have to on Facebook. It sounds a bit rash, I know.
But you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone and if
it’s going to keep you from cyberstalking and late night
texting, then so be it. Can you get over it without
isolating yourself? Maybe. Are you willing to risk it?
Step 4: Absorb the Pain
This is the hardest part. Let yourself hurt. Let the pain
take over your body. Cry, eat a lot of junk food, sleep
for days, do whatever you feel you need to do to
recover. It’s an ugly rock bottom but when you allow
yourself to reach it, you’ll be a lot stronger to get out
of it.
Step 5: Get the Hell over It
And here’s the reality slap: it’s time to move the fuck
on. While you’re busy moping around, waiting for this
person to come to their senses, you’ve completely
ignored your hot neighbor offering dinner and a movie
to cheer you up. You no longer bathe or groom, so the
hotties at the local coffee shop steer clear in fear of
contracting a disease. One sided love doesn’t
necessary make you blind, it gives you the tunnel vision
that focuses all of your energies in one direction—
which happens to be a dead end; thus moving all other
opportunities into your blind spot. You can choose to
devote your life to loving someone who clearly doesn’t
feel the same for you but know that no one but
yourself has the power to change that. And you’ll die a
lonely miserable life, alone. Get the hell over it.
When Are You Ready to Reconnect?
You’re probably excited to get this started, right?
Wondering, “Okay. I’ll get over it and, well, how soon
can we see each other again? When can I call him?!”
You’ll try to justify keeping contact in any way you
can. “But we’re such good friends!” Yeah? Well your
sanity and well being is a little more important, isn’t
it?
When you no longer think about it, you’ll be ready.
This part is important to not skip. If you reconnect
before you’re ready, you risk throwing away all of your
hard work and old feelings will come rushing back,
putting you back at square one. And until the day you
realize you’re not qualified to make the “I’m ready to
reconnect” decision, you won’t be ready to reconnect.
See where I’m going with this?
Everyone around the world is falling in and out of love.
You can fall asleep to the sounds of Armageddon and
wake up to a beautiful sunny morning with rays of
hope shining through your window. At some point, your
heart will scream for recovery and you’ll have to listen.
Life is a process and you’ll never move on to the next
step if you’re stuck trying to make sense of the
previous one.